The Lord Told Me to Drop Out of Grad School…So I Did

Okay, so life post race is an odd period that nobody really knows how to describe. Some people thrive, some people do the opposite. Since my squad got pulled off the field unexpectedly in March, I have had the opportunity to transition home twice. 

I am going to be real with you, the first transition was not good. I was drinking to cope, I wasn’t reading the bible at all and I was relying on my own strength of the world to get through life. I reached out to my leadership team and gave them a subtle “yo, your girl is struggling HARD.” as a last minute effort to try and figure out what was “wrong” with me. They were full of grace and understanding, reaching out to walk alongside me in my rocky transition home. 

I was spending more time with the Lord, finally reaching out to friends from home to hang out; doing anything I could to get out of this funk and fix whatever was “wrong”. Now, I keep putting “wrong” in quotes because there was nothing ever wrong with me. I was telling myself that I must be broken or something because Christians aren’t supposed to fall back into old sin or struggle this much. Wrong. We are humans too. I just had my focus on the world and not on God. But guess what, He never left my side. He was there walking through the mud with me just waiting for me to turn back and look at Him. When I finally looked up and saw my Heavenly Father right next to me, it clicked. I had my lightbulb moment and let Him pour His truths into me. 

The world LOVES to point out our flaws, tell us how much we suck and throw shame around like it’s confetti. That’s not what the Kingdom of God is about. Not even a little bit. Being a Christ follower means that I am running after Jesus and pursuing a life with Him above all else. I will trip, and that’s okay. I will fail, and that’s okay. But guess what, you will too. But man His love is so mighty that those little hiccups don’t even matter. He picks us up, dusts us off and tells us to keep on running. The community around you should be doing that too. Cheering you on through every season, especially the ones where you’re falling on your face everytime you get up. But that’s what unconditional love is about! If we don’t have Jesus as an example of love, then what are we doing?! He is the PERFECT model of love, and He wants a relationship with each of us. 

Okay, fast forward to the second transition home. The season I am currently in. Coming off the race was difficult in a different way this time. It had different challenges and beautiful moments. I was coming home to a healthy race community this time (that’s another crazy God story). I came home at the end of the race knowing this time would be different and looking forward to the new opportunities. My spirit was excited and optimistic. I faced some trials, but that’s a part of life. I was(and still am) relearning who Kellie is (the race for sure changes a person), and I will always continue to do that. This time was more permanent. I knew I would be home for longer than the three months I had experienced before. 

I started applying for dozens of jobs, downsizing my closet, diving into the Word and applying to grad schools. It was time I finally accomplished my goal of getting my Masters degree. I applied to my dream University in Colorado and another Christian University. I was applying to random jobs that seemed to pay well and just looking forward to the future. It wasn’t until I went to Project Search Light (a get together, transition session that AIM hosts a month after racers get off the field) with my squad that I slammed on the brakes. I came home confused and honestly at a loss. “Was I doing what I wanted or what God wanted?” kept repeating in my mind. 

I spent the next week really diving into scripture and spending time with the Lord. Stripping away any worldly desires that I was lingering on to. I sat with the Father with my hands open, tears running down my face and surrendering it all to Him. My mentor, TT mentioned that I could be in a “Hebrews 12” moment. She went on to quote the scripture in Hebrews where it says “At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, ‘Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.’ The words ‘once more’ indicate the removing of what can be shaken-that is, created things- so that what cannot be shaken may remain.” (Hebrews 12:26-27 NIV). So basically, the Lord was shaking all the things off of me that weren’t of Him. A sometimes painful process, but always a beautiful process. 

I realized I was doing what I thought was normal, going to grad school. Grad school was my safety net. I was applying because it’s all I know. I have been a student for 19 years of my life, it’s what I know. It was safe, but it wasn’t where I needed to be. So, I was at a fork in the road and it was time to make some decisions. I prayed to God and asked Him where He wants me in this next season. He simply said, “What glorifies my Kingdom more?” MAN that stung me. I was totally focused on glorifying myself, doing things for my own gain. Our purpose on this Earth is to spread His word to all the nations and make disciples. That was not the first thing on my mind when I was applying to grad school.

I decided to unenroll and drop the courses that I signed up for at the Christian University that I got accepted into. It felt good, very freeing. A couple of hours later I got the acceptance email to my dream University in Colorado. Ouch. The enemy was trying to distract me, but thankful for the Lord’s goodness it was easy for me to not be tempted in that moment. I have redirected my job search to where I can bring Kingdom and where the Lord wants me to be. This morning I got an email that a job position has been filled at a mission that I applied for and I declined two graduate acceptance letters. It doesn’t make sense from an outside perspective, but that’s the fun part about following Jesus. I don’t have to explain or justify myself to anyone with these decisions. It’s simply because God told me to do this and I am being obedient. 

I am living life with open hands, applying to jobs and praying for doors to open. I know God’s got me. And I am so excited that what I am doing doesn’t look normal. It’s risky, but it’s worth it. Jesus is always worth it.